Things To Do When Life Makes You Cranky

1. Read good quotes:

All mankind is divided into three classes: those who are immovable, those that are moveable and those that move. (Benjamin Franklin)

Put 100 clever people into a group; they lose their intelligence. (Carl Jung)

Most people would rather die than think.
In fact they do. (Bertrand Russell)

2. Watch TED talks.
3. Get distracted by the sidebar and watch Einstein, the parrot.
4. Somehow discover that the Mantis Shrimp is your new favorite animal. In a moment of synchronicity, The Oatmeal thought so too.
5. Go hiking to clear thoughts. Scientific evidence of what you already knew. Read blogs and discover a natural place called Flin Flon.
6. Look at or make art.
7. Write lists.
8. Say yes to people in a real crisis. Say no to people who are not.
9. Read The Peter Principle for amusement.
10. Realize that there is a theme here.

Outsourced

Just as I thought I was "winning", they keep calling me back...

Local time: 9:30 pm

"Jennifer": May I speak to Racnaroth Cryptopeles?
Me: Who?
Jennifer: *giggles* Am I pronouncing that correctly?
Me: Sure, if you're looking for Racnaroth Cryptopeles.
Jennifer: We need a moderate payment of 1.50.
Me: If I pay a "moderate" one dollar fifty you'll stop calling me?
Jennifer: *GIGGLES HYSTERICALLY* Noooooooooou!!! A payment of $150 is needed.
Me: You realize that I cancelled your services 3 months ago?
Jennifer: *typing*
Me: Where are you calling from?
Jennifer: St. Louis, Ohio.
Me: They moved St. Louis to Ohio? No wonder...
Jennifer: *click*

Sigh.

Elevator

I am known to wander. I have been accused of wandering in the wrong direction with such confidence that people feel obligated to follow my lead, only to be disappointed that I do not know where I am going either.

I found myself wandering in a high tech building looking for the stairs to exit it. The universal symbol for stairs did not appear to exist. I was thus obligated to seek out one of many confounding elevators, which serviced certain floors but not the one I needed. Finding the right elevator should not be this puzzling in a place where most of its inhabitants appeared as confused as I was.  Finally, I found a set of respectable looking elevators, waited and was confronted by doors opening only to display that they were at their full capacity.

Tired and impatient, I looked around me and saw one elevator awaiting me with open doors.  I quickly stepped in, the doors closed immediately before I had time to notice that it looked somewhat industrial. I pressed "M" and the elevator with me as its lone occupant began to move up instead of down.

Dead Space

I pressed a few useless numbered buttons, next to a card swipe, to prevent it from arriving at the top executive floor. To no avail. The broken elevator was on an ear-popping mission to reach its heavenly destination with me in it.

Top floor. The doors opened wide as did my eyes. It was windy. I was looking at a copter, blades still rotating. Several individuals were running toward me with their cargo. They belonged in this elevator. I clearly did not. I wished I was dreaming or watching a movie. Neither applied.

They were as surprised to see a lone individual in their elevator as I was desperate to be anywhere but in it. I briefly weighed my options:

I am a moron and walked into the wrong elevator. Too honest.
Quality Control. Excellent work, gentlemen. Not credible.
Bond, James Bond...Too cuckoo's nest.

In the end, I opted for silent VIP in suit, pretending that this is exactly where I am supposed to be at this precise moment in time. They were preoccupied and did not ask questions. I offered no explanation.

I waited until they exited at their floor, before I stepped out. I looked back at the elevator.
Instead of call buttons there was a big red sign: FOR STAFF ONLY! TO HELIPAD.

I walked out of this adventure as quickly as I could.

The Entropy of Life

Wistman's Woods

An annual ritual is to go for a long hike in the woods as soon as spring has confirmed its reappearance for more than 2 days. After just a brief time, the bad things that happen to good people and the good things that happen to bad people seemed irrelevant.

I was watching a Labrador excitedly chasing whatever he was chasing in a shallow river, true to his breed. I smiled as he found a branch. Too big. Another branch. Gotta show master.

I relaxed into the soothing tapping of raindrops. Admired the tenacity of life. Listened to birds communicating. Serenity.

I watched as birds hopped on the ground singing to each other and saw them pull earthworms from the wet ground to feed and nurture future generations of feathered singers.

Then I imagined what that experience must be like for the worm.

Totally. Ruined. The. Moment.

A Box Can Save Your Sanity

Source

On occasion, I catch horrifying mistakes in draft:

The measurements of Dr. Doh may have unintended inaccuracies,

as he claims that: "lkkdidimm, f^%$#.. asssssssspft". The parameters

nnnnnnnolllllllllll5677777 do not apply in this particular case.

Lucky overestimates his trajectory and lands on keyboards. Flirt naps on warm hard drives, keyboards and evacuated office chairs. Unlike dogs, cats do not listen to basic commands such as "STAY OFF THE DESK! I MEAN IT!"

In a delayed moment of problem solving, I remember that cardboard boxes are like magnets for cats. There is a palpable excitement among the felines when a new box arrives. If there is a box, there is a cat in it.

Added to my desk: One box. With occupants.

Evolution Video

Evolution, the name applied to the strange creatures that inhabit this world:




A squeaky toy that does not require squeezing and defends itself with cuteness.

Who says Nature does not have a sense of humor?

In Case Of Emergency: Find Your Blanket

An unexpected gift arrived. Someone out there had sent me a random act of kindness. I looked at the unassuming cardboard box, but did not recognize the sender. A company that was likely used to package and ship exotic chocolates, coffee or biscuits. Perhaps a technological gadget?

With childlike abandon and exuberance, I unboxed the contents. I dug through environmentally (un)friendly Styrofoam peanuts to discover....

A BLANKET! A blanket?!!?

Not just any blanket. A gender-neutral plaid fleece blanket, rolled up in its very own space-saving bag. Who would send me such a thoughtful gift of warmth?

There was a generic card extending its gratitude for my patronage sent by my insurance company, The Profiteers.

The subliminal message was clear:

Dear customer,
in appreciation for your loyalty please accept our gift made out of plastic, a byproduct of the oil industry. Speaking of the oil industry, while we no longer cover any acts of Man, we are pleased to inform you that in the event of flooding, loss of electricity or flying debris, you are fully covered. With a blanket.

This multipurpose blanket, when spread out, will likely attract your loved ones and your pets. In case of emergency, simply roll up your cats and sprint for your nearest door or window.

Always thinking of you and your loved ones during these climate challenged times. Please remember that as long as you have your blanket, you are not on your own.

With utmost indifference,
The Profiteers