Snake Oil

Back in the day, merchants used to set up their carts and peddle the cure all that cures all ailments. This practice has not stopped. Add scientific language to it and the following sounds both healthy and delectable:


Buy Copernicum. Known to aid with everything, particularly popsiculitis. From the makers of BS Inc.

Predeterminism?

"Using defensive pessimism to harness anxiety and perform at your peak"

There is a book for everyone and everything.

Whether one has a positive or a negative outlook on life; does it make a difference?

When A Tree Falls In The Forest...

I have been thinking about a career change and doing more science writing. The question I have for my fellowers; would there be any interest in a science blog and if so would anyone be willing to subscribe to it?

We all spend countless hours writing for free and because it is fun, but it would be wonderful to be paid for our efforts.

What do you think?

About A Brother

In a life imitates art scenario, but without the cliche of good guys always win, one discovers that a brother has been feeding me nothing but lies and appears to be struggling for his position in organized crime.

Now what?

Outsourced

Just as I thought I was "winning", they keep calling me back...

Local time: 9:30 pm

"Jennifer": May I speak to Racnaroth Cryptopeles?
Me: Who?
Jennifer: *giggles* Am I pronouncing that correctly?
Me: Sure, if you're looking for Racnaroth Cryptopeles.
Jennifer: We need a moderate payment of 1.50.
Me: If I pay a "moderate" one dollar fifty you'll stop calling me?
Jennifer: *GIGGLES HYSTERICALLY* Noooooooooou!!! A payment of $150 is needed.
Me: You realize that I cancelled your services 3 months ago?
Jennifer: *typing*
Me: Where are you calling from?
Jennifer: St. Louis, Ohio.
Me: They moved St. Louis to Ohio? No wonder...
Jennifer: *click*

Sigh.

Elevator

I am known to wander. I have been accused of wandering in the wrong direction with such confidence that people feel obligated to follow my lead, only to be disappointed that I do not know where I am going either.

I found myself wandering in a high tech building looking for the stairs to exit it. The universal symbol for stairs did not appear to exist. I was thus obligated to seek out one of many confounding elevators, which serviced certain floors but not the one I needed. Finding the right elevator should not be this puzzling in a place where most of its inhabitants appeared as confused as I was.  Finally, I found a set of respectable looking elevators, waited and was confronted by doors opening only to display that they were at their full capacity.

Tired and impatient, I looked around me and saw one elevator awaiting me with open doors.  I quickly stepped in, the doors closed immediately before I had time to notice that it looked somewhat industrial. I pressed "M" and the elevator with me as its lone occupant began to move up instead of down.

Dead Space

I pressed a few useless numbered buttons, next to a card swipe, to prevent it from arriving at the top executive floor. To no avail. The broken elevator was on an ear-popping mission to reach its heavenly destination with me in it.

Top floor. The doors opened wide as did my eyes. It was windy. I was looking at a copter, blades still rotating. Several individuals were running toward me with their cargo. They belonged in this elevator. I clearly did not. I wished I was dreaming or watching a movie. Neither applied.

They were as surprised to see a lone individual in their elevator as I was desperate to be anywhere but in it. I briefly weighed my options:

I am a moron and walked into the wrong elevator. Too honest.
Quality Control. Excellent work, gentlemen. Not credible.
Bond, James Bond...Too cuckoo's nest.

In the end, I opted for silent VIP in suit, pretending that this is exactly where I am supposed to be at this precise moment in time. They were preoccupied and did not ask questions. I offered no explanation.

I waited until they exited at their floor, before I stepped out. I looked back at the elevator.
Instead of call buttons there was a big red sign: FOR STAFF ONLY! TO HELIPAD.

I walked out of this adventure as quickly as I could.

In Case Of Emergency: Find Your Blanket

An unexpected gift arrived. Someone out there had sent me a random act of kindness. I looked at the unassuming cardboard box, but did not recognize the sender. A company that was likely used to package and ship exotic chocolates, coffee or biscuits. Perhaps a technological gadget?

With childlike abandon and exuberance, I unboxed the contents. I dug through environmentally (un)friendly Styrofoam peanuts to discover....

A BLANKET! A blanket?!!?

Not just any blanket. A gender-neutral plaid fleece blanket, rolled up in its very own space-saving bag. Who would send me such a thoughtful gift of warmth?

There was a generic card extending its gratitude for my patronage sent by my insurance company, The Profiteers.

The subliminal message was clear:

Dear customer,
in appreciation for your loyalty please accept our gift made out of plastic, a byproduct of the oil industry. Speaking of the oil industry, while we no longer cover any acts of Man, we are pleased to inform you that in the event of flooding, loss of electricity or flying debris, you are fully covered. With a blanket.

This multipurpose blanket, when spread out, will likely attract your loved ones and your pets. In case of emergency, simply roll up your cats and sprint for your nearest door or window.

Always thinking of you and your loved ones during these climate challenged times. Please remember that as long as you have your blanket, you are not on your own.

With utmost indifference,
The Profiteers

Reverse Prank Calling

Self-initiated global research has revealed that various providers are selling our information for considerable profit and miniscule fines.

There has been a recent increase in calls from companies that bypass any effort at blocking them. The polite and courteous "No, thank you. We're not interested," stopped working. In an effort to stop repetitive autodialed calls from call centers that are located in time zones other than mine, I was forced to take desperate and very rude measures. It occurred to me that creating barriers to communication might actually result in the desired effect of having a commission based employee give up.  It also proved to be highly entertaining, albeit very juvenile.

Foreign non-existent accent:

Me: Haya?
John: This is John from hotairductcleaning, we would like to...
Me: Noo. No duck.
John: This is hotairductcleaning...
Me: Duck.Duck. Haya?
Rude John: Yeeeah. I know, you have chickens and sheep...
Me: Noo Chickan. Have duck.
John: *click*

Age barrier:

Kevin: Hi, this is Kevin from Wedestroycarpets.
Me: 'kay.
Kevin: We have a special offer to clean your rugs and carpets.
Me: 'kay.
Kevin: Would you like to take advantage of this special offer?
Me: 'kay.
Kevin: We can schedule you on Friday between 2 and 5 in the afternoon.
Me: 'kay.
Kevin: That's great. Thank you for choosing Wedestroycarpets. I can confirm the appointment on...
Me: MooooOOOOM!!!! There's a man who wants to come over when you're not home. He says he wants to touch my...
Kevin: *click*

What?

Mary: This is Mary. You have won a trip to our time-share resort in Puerto Furtivo.
Me: Maaary, love. How are you?
Mary: We would like to congratulate you...
Me: ETHEL!!! Pack your bags. Your sister Mary invited us to Bali for your birthday.
Mary: Uum..No. You won a 3 night stay at the time-share in Puerto Furtivo.
Me: Eeeh? When did you move to Portugal? ETHEEEL! Did you know that Mary moved to Portugal?
Mary: *click*

Several months later: Antares: 3. "John, Kevin and Mary": Silent.
WINNING!

Post Apocalypse 2012

 Extraordinary claims require extraordinary evidence. Since the beginning of time there have been literally hundreds of thousands of predictions for the end of the world and we're still here. 

(Carl Sagan)

To all the pseudoscientists out there: WE TOLD YOU SO! Please stop scaring children in the future.

The Milky Way. Not as crowded as it looks.

To everyone, including those folks who are currently "surviving" in a cave or bunker, have a Merry Christmas, Happy Holidays and a Happy New Year.

Three Second Story

Saw this challenge of writing a three sentence story at dbs, who created an ominous but engaging piece of writing in three sentences. Thought I should give it a go:

Man ponders bridge.
Man crosses bridge.
Man gets to other side.

Your turn.