Parrot Conservation: The Kakapo

Kakapo by Shane McInnes

The Kakapo is what happens when there is no predation and nature gets creative. It is the world's only flightless and nocturnal parrot and found only in New Zealand. Unlike other parrots it can store fat, may have a natural longevity of 100 years and apparently smells like fruit.

When population control is left to nature, the intricacy is astonishing. The female lays only a few eggs and only when triggered by the production of large crops, the "mast year", of the rimu tree species. The solitary male then produces booming sounds and hikes for miles to find the equally solitary female.

Once estimated at over 200000, the Kakapo came close to extinction several decades ago, through the imported predation of cats and dogs. Conservation measures have been successful and the number has increased from 40 to over 100. Something this comical and special has to be kept alive.

Kakapos are also impossibly friendly:

I Blame Coffee For My Impertinence

I was walking, enjoying the crisp winter air and a sinfully good latte, when a woman approached me eager to hand me a flyer.  Usually, I shake my head politely and silently regret the waste of paper; but this time I was under the influence of COFFEE, so I stopped to listen.

In a very self assured tone she declared: "The final judgement is coming, the signs are here, the world is coming to an end."

*sip* I had finally met one of those nice folks on the Internet. 

"When exactly is that going to happen," I asked.

"The date cannot be known, but  very soon", she claimed.

"Within the next 60 years?"

"It is not known."

"Shouldn't we do something about it other than wait to be saved? End violence, poverty, greed and war..."

"We have been ruled by the devil for 6000 years. He is very powerful. He was put in charge of this world."

Hmmh. "If the devil is in charge then that would mean that this is actually HELL. How the frack did I end up here???!?"

I left while she deeply contemplated this novel concept. They do make great coffee in hell though.

Overheard

It was two months before Christmas and the world was caught in the frenzy of consumerism, so I decided to visit the aquarium to watch and sketch some silent fishies.

A tank, obviously inspired by Finding Nemo, exhibited tiny starfish adhered to the glass. I was mesmerised by their miniature perfection and stepped closer to have a better look.

Two women were standing next to me, when one remarked to the other: "Will you look at that; they're decorating already!"

"Meteor Strikes Earth"

The apocalyptics are worried about large asteroids striking the earth, which currently we cannot do a thing about.

Bunkers will be absolutely useless. The only difference between those on the surface and those in bunkers if something very large were to impact earth?

None.

Impact. Extreme heat. Vaporized. In less time than we can imagine.

Hope this satisfactorily answers any search terms.

For more information:
www.jpl.nasa.gov/asteroidwatch

Outsourced

Just as I thought I was "winning", they keep calling me back...

Local time: 9:30 pm

"Jennifer": May I speak to Racnaroth Cryptopeles?
Me: Who?
Jennifer: *giggles* Am I pronouncing that correctly?
Me: Sure, if you're looking for Racnaroth Cryptopeles.
Jennifer: We need a moderate payment of 1.50.
Me: If I pay a "moderate" one dollar fifty you'll stop calling me?
Jennifer: *GIGGLES HYSTERICALLY* Noooooooooou!!! A payment of $150 is needed.
Me: You realize that I cancelled your services 3 months ago?
Jennifer: *typing*
Me: Where are you calling from?
Jennifer: St. Louis, Ohio.
Me: They moved St. Louis to Ohio? No wonder...
Jennifer: *click*

Sigh.

The Entropy of Life

Wistman's Woods

An annual ritual is to go for a long hike in the woods as soon as spring has confirmed its reappearance for more than 2 days. After just a brief time, the bad things that happen to good people and the good things that happen to bad people seemed irrelevant.

I was watching a Labrador excitedly chasing whatever he was chasing in a shallow river, true to his breed. I smiled as he found a branch. Too big. Another branch. Gotta show master.

I relaxed into the soothing tapping of raindrops. Admired the tenacity of life. Listened to birds communicating. Serenity.

I watched as birds hopped on the ground singing to each other and saw them pull earthworms from the wet ground to feed and nurture future generations of feathered singers.

Then I imagined what that experience must be like for the worm.

Totally. Ruined. The. Moment.

A Box Can Save Your Sanity

Source

On occasion, I catch horrifying mistakes in draft:

The measurements of Dr. Doh may have unintended inaccuracies,

as he claims that: "lkkdidimm, f^%$#.. asssssssspft". The parameters

nnnnnnnolllllllllll5677777 do not apply in this particular case.

Lucky overestimates his trajectory and lands on keyboards. Flirt naps on warm hard drives, keyboards and evacuated office chairs. Unlike dogs, cats do not listen to basic commands such as "STAY OFF THE DESK! I MEAN IT!"

In a delayed moment of problem solving, I remember that cardboard boxes are like magnets for cats. There is a palpable excitement among the felines when a new box arrives. If there is a box, there is a cat in it.

Added to my desk: One box. With occupants.

Evolution Video

Evolution, the name applied to the strange creatures that inhabit this world:




A squeaky toy that does not require squeezing and defends itself with cuteness.

Who says Nature does not have a sense of humor?

In Case Of Emergency: Find Your Blanket

An unexpected gift arrived. Someone out there had sent me a random act of kindness. I looked at the unassuming cardboard box, but did not recognize the sender. A company that was likely used to package and ship exotic chocolates, coffee or biscuits. Perhaps a technological gadget?

With childlike abandon and exuberance, I unboxed the contents. I dug through environmentally (un)friendly Styrofoam peanuts to discover....

A BLANKET! A blanket?!!?

Not just any blanket. A gender-neutral plaid fleece blanket, rolled up in its very own space-saving bag. Who would send me such a thoughtful gift of warmth?

There was a generic card extending its gratitude for my patronage sent by my insurance company, The Profiteers.

The subliminal message was clear:

Dear customer,
in appreciation for your loyalty please accept our gift made out of plastic, a byproduct of the oil industry. Speaking of the oil industry, while we no longer cover any acts of Man, we are pleased to inform you that in the event of flooding, loss of electricity or flying debris, you are fully covered. With a blanket.

This multipurpose blanket, when spread out, will likely attract your loved ones and your pets. In case of emergency, simply roll up your cats and sprint for your nearest door or window.

Always thinking of you and your loved ones during these climate challenged times. Please remember that as long as you have your blanket, you are not on your own.

With utmost indifference,
The Profiteers

Communicating With Cats

I used to consider myself a dog person. Then I ended up with cats. That is when the confusion set in.

According to scientific anthropological speculation, dogs are better at reading the facial expressions of humans, because they have a longer history with humanity.  Cats are allegedly more intelligent due to the fact that unlike dogs, who are pack scavengers, cats are lone predators that congregate into colonies when feral.  I have read several articles that wild cats rarely vocalize, while our manipulative domestic companions have learned to.

I speak science, some other languages, but mostly science. I can understand dogs, but the language I fail to master is cat.  This does not stop the self-proclaimed most intelligent species on the planet at attempting to communicate with clever cats on a daily basis.

Among one of my most miserable failures at translating Feline into English was a rescued Siamese, who looked like a grey alien crossbred with a vampire bat and sounded like the dissonant bag pipe of the cat world. According to those that love the breed, the emission of unearthly wails of despair were the Siamese equivalent of "talking" and did not require emergency exorcisms for demonic possession.

Random Siamese kitten. Not a Chihuahua.

My attempts to make first contact with the aliens in my home continue to this day.  They blink, I blink back a reassuring I come in peace. Their incessant meows evoke a conditioned repertoire of routine queries: You want food? Here you go. Not this food? You don't want food? You want to play? Want to chase the string or the ball? Neither? You want to be petted. Patted? I DON'T KNOW WHAT YOU WANT! Hey, where are you going?

Misunderstood, tail held high, they walk off. Before I question my sanity, I remind myself that many human conversations are equally inconclusive.

Reverse Prank Calling

Self-initiated global research has revealed that various providers are selling our information for considerable profit and miniscule fines.

There has been a recent increase in calls from companies that bypass any effort at blocking them. The polite and courteous "No, thank you. We're not interested," stopped working. In an effort to stop repetitive autodialed calls from call centers that are located in time zones other than mine, I was forced to take desperate and very rude measures. It occurred to me that creating barriers to communication might actually result in the desired effect of having a commission based employee give up.  It also proved to be highly entertaining, albeit very juvenile.

Foreign non-existent accent:

Me: Haya?
John: This is John from hotairductcleaning, we would like to...
Me: Noo. No duck.
John: This is hotairductcleaning...
Me: Duck.Duck. Haya?
Rude John: Yeeeah. I know, you have chickens and sheep...
Me: Noo Chickan. Have duck.
John: *click*

Age barrier:

Kevin: Hi, this is Kevin from Wedestroycarpets.
Me: 'kay.
Kevin: We have a special offer to clean your rugs and carpets.
Me: 'kay.
Kevin: Would you like to take advantage of this special offer?
Me: 'kay.
Kevin: We can schedule you on Friday between 2 and 5 in the afternoon.
Me: 'kay.
Kevin: That's great. Thank you for choosing Wedestroycarpets. I can confirm the appointment on...
Me: MooooOOOOM!!!! There's a man who wants to come over when you're not home. He says he wants to touch my...
Kevin: *click*

What?

Mary: This is Mary. You have won a trip to our time-share resort in Puerto Furtivo.
Me: Maaary, love. How are you?
Mary: We would like to congratulate you...
Me: ETHEL!!! Pack your bags. Your sister Mary invited us to Bali for your birthday.
Mary: Uum..No. You won a 3 night stay at the time-share in Puerto Furtivo.
Me: Eeeh? When did you move to Portugal? ETHEEEL! Did you know that Mary moved to Portugal?
Mary: *click*

Several months later: Antares: 3. "John, Kevin and Mary": Silent.
WINNING!

The Un-Resolution List 2013

Things I will never do, because I do not want to:

1. Swim in or travel to the Amazon.
There are too many lifeforms that can get into and up a human being. Armchair travel suffices and I leave the experience to travel writers and National Geographic journalists.

2. Eat Fugu.
Puffer fish are droll; the fish that turns into a balloon when stressed and paralyzes you if you did not get the hint.

3. Go bungee jumping.
It is not like flying. It is a high speed spine adjustment.

4. Eat anything endangered.
That is how most species became endangered to begin with.

5. Go unexplored cave spelunking.
Toxic guano fumes, spores and methane gas. Also, I watched "The Descent". Creepy white things without eyes are creepy, despite natural selection and the wonders of evolution.

6. Take a wilderness survival course.
I do not believe in reenacting the past without costumes until I have to.

7. Always write a list of 10.
Who came up with that rule?

Ode To Coffee

BC (Before Coffee)

Who moved the kitchen?
Cats! Why are there so many cats?
Why is it that one has to be awake to make coffee before one is awake to make coffee?
Where did all the cats come from? Why are they in the kitchen?
Incomplete thoughts and senten
Write to do list: TOO Do Dodo Thndo Frodo The ffpmppp TO DO
1. Fix something
2. Can't remember
3. Still can't remember
4. Can't believe how much work I have to do
5. Write to do list
6-10. Do something
11. Drink coffee

AD (After Drug)

The molecular structure of coffee is enhancing my neuronal activity. To do today:
1. Feed cats, make coffee and breakfast for HQ, paint cabinets, organize papers
2. Say YES to any new project
3. Paint masterpiece fresco on ceiling
4. Speed read 5 books
5. Prove new theorem
6. HOMG! I AM A GENIUS!!!!
7. World domination
8. Design groundbreaking new space ship
9. Go for a run

If Supervillains Were Real...

I AM GALACTOR, DEVOURER OF GALAXIES. I WAS FORGED IN THE HIGH GRAVITY WORLD OF DARKSOR. I SURVIVED MY TRANSFORMATION AFTER I WAS RADIOACTIVATED. EXPERIMENTED ON. DROPPED ON MY HEAD. BORN THIS WAY. 

I AM PURE EVIL. I SHALL DEVOUR YOUR PUNY LITTLE GALAXY. PREPARE TO BE EATEN, PEOPLE OF EARTH. MUAHAHHHAAHHA...

Sir?

WHAT?!?

I have a telepathic transmission from your wife. She says that humans are not very nutritious and cetaceans contain too much fat. She also says that if you do not stop with this nonsense of "DEVOURING GALAXIES", she is leaving you and moving to a parallel universe. 

December 21, 2012. The day before December 22, 2012.

Ladies and Gentlemen. Start your hoarding and don't forget to use your extreme coupons. Less than 3 months left before absolutely nothing happens.

In recent news, it was discovered that the Mayans did not run out of rock, but continued their astronomical calculations on a different piece of rock. Note: They never predicted the end of the world.

 I am not certain whether the cultural significance

of sticking out your tongue has changed

over the last 5000 years.

Some debunking is in order:

The Planet
The "planet" that defies all laws of physics and is heading our way with its magical thruster system has yet to appear. It should be visible by now. Even amateur astronomers should be able to pick this one up. If it actually existed.

During my own procrastinating investigation of this "planet" on the interwebs, I found many images of stars. Stars are stationary. Relatively speaking. I am being imprecise, but if stars start moving out of their solar systems to go on a little galactic trip, the galaxy is falling apart and then we have bigger problems than stockpiling. If something planet-sized were to collide with our planet, I do not think learning how to survive underground would be very useful or productive. Earth gone. Good luck in space. With your camping gear.

The Alien Invasion
Call me a geek, but I think this one could be really exciting. They would unite us as a species, because the human race would now have a common enemy to hate. I smell global cooperation.

Supernovas
Supernovas? Nothing close enough to go supernova and affect us. If there was, think "Big Bang". Moot point.

Rather than blaming the universe for our sins, maybe we could focus our energy and resources right here on our pale blue dot and do something about climate change, renewable and sustainable energy, overpopulation, mass extinction, pollution, famine, poverty...

In the meantime watch for the unused camping gear sales in January 2013.

Conversation Stopper

At least every 4 years I get dragged into conversations that I do not want be having and gain no knowledge from. Depending on the company, these monologues often contain conspiracy theories, unverifiable information, little humor and various doom and gloom scenarios.

Devout self-preservationist that I am, I have developed a repertoire of responses, which stop any attempt at talking about pol*litt[icks:

1. I completely agree. We need to start taxing babies. All that free-loading suckling and cooing needs to come to an end.

2. Sooooooo. Which corporation are you voting for?

3. I have been experimenting with gamma radiation as a solution to the world's problems. You might not want to stand so close....I think my ear fell into you drink. Sorry about that.

4. I cannot talk about it. It's classified. *whispers* Phase 1 of the dumbification project is complete. Let the Age of Ignorance begin. Huzzah!

5. That's why I have been stockpiling. Toothbrushes are on sale and I need about 3000 of them. I am guessing we can all come to the surface in about a century or so.

The Cat Video Awards

If cats had their own Oscars, their selections might be different than ours.

Best Sound Effects:



Best non-foreign foreign existential documentary: Henri

Best Action Movie (subtitled):




Harley: Hey Bambi. Whatchya doing?
Deer: Doe.
Harley: Oh, it's a game? Okay, I'll play.
Deer: Doe doe doe.
Harley: You're a...ummm...a riverdancer?
Deer: Doe doe.
Harley: Dances with grass?
Deer: Doe doe.
Harley: This is getting a little boring. The Wizard of Oz.
Deer: Doe doe doe doe dee.
Harley: No? Maybe I'm approaching this the wrong way. I think it's trying to communicate. It's Morse code, right?
f-mmpls---smlafrmp----a-k. That makes no sense.

Why do the weirdos always find me? Maybe if I ignore her she'll go away?

Harley: HEY! WTH? DOROTHY! WHAT'S THE MATTER WITH YOU?!
Deer: Doe big.
Harley: I don't know what you're talking about.
GO ON, SHOO! GET OUT OF HERE!
I SAID NOW, DEER TOURETTES. Go impress the tall green stuff over there with your tap dancing.
You're not a bull, buckaroo.
VACATE MY PREMISES OR I'LL EAT YOU!

Jeesh. Wildlife walks onto my property and shows no respect for the food chain. What's the world coming too?

Spontaneous Humor In The Produce Section

I was given the mission of hunting and gathering a variety of edibles, which included tomatoes. Upon arriving at my destination, I was positively excited that my prey was lethargically stacked in pyramid formation waiting to be selected, weighed, clubbed and dragged home.

Standing next to me at the tomato pen was a very polite looking gentleman, equally tasked with providing nourishment for his family.  As we carefully selected this fruit by color and ripeness in contemplative unison, I noticed that some of the tomatoes had some white dust on them.

Closer inspection revealed that the miniscule white dust was moving.  Unless one is married to an entomologist, this presented a problem. Wistfully, I placed them back. "Bugs," I sighed. My fellow tomato hunter paused, confirmed my observation and followed my lead.

I had moved on to a different, less ripe, non-heirloom variety, when I noticed that he had changed his mind and had decided to buy the infested tomatoes after all.

"The bugs. Maybe they're tasty," he explained.
"Some cultures consider insects a delicacy."
"I think I'll boil them."
"Well, it is extra protein."
"And the store is only charging for the tomatoes. I think it's a great deal."
"Never pass up a great bargain," I agreed.
"You're not getting any?"
"I'll be quarantined if I bring those home."
"Aah! She's a vegetarian," he stated.

Unbreaking The News

The Dystopian Times February 2212 Edition
Breaking News:

Another Outbreak of Mass-Panic
"We wanted to keep people in a healthy state of fear, but we are still adjusting doses of the government issued Perplexor TM,"  explained Brian vonNut, PharmCity official.
Read less here.

Escalation of the Bean Wars
The State of New Cucumber has declared war on Mesopotamia in an effort to find the last coffee bean on earth.

Healthy People Under Attack 
Pro-aging groups are demonstrating for their fundamental right to experience illness. 

Other News
Construction of the DeathStar has ceased due to budget cuts.

Owner of Chihuapoodle reunited with her beloved pooch after 80 years. "I have no idea how he got into the cryogenic chamber," stated relieved 182 year old Ethel Bimbrack.

Senator Bombastic still denies climate change as he paddles to work.

LaLa, the world's most successful singer recently released her new album "Humming just one note for 61 months".

Science News
Startled scientists discover that the Andromeda galaxy will collide with the Milky Way much faster than previously calculated. Possibly. In 3 billion years. Or so. Give or take 1 billion years. Maybe.

When Animals Talk Funny.

I suppose when nature gives you quills that embed themselves in flesh, you can startle off predators with THE VOICE:




I had to check as I initially assumed this was fake, apparently they really do sound like they have inhaled helium or are auditioning for a cartoon.