I Blame Coffee For My Impertinence

I was walking, enjoying the crisp winter air and a sinfully good latte, when a woman approached me eager to hand me a flyer.  Usually, I shake my head politely and silently regret the waste of paper; but this time I was under the influence of COFFEE, so I stopped to listen.

In a very self assured tone she declared: "The final judgement is coming, the signs are here, the world is coming to an end."

*sip* I had finally met one of those nice folks on the Internet. 

"When exactly is that going to happen," I asked.

"The date cannot be known, but  very soon", she claimed.

"Within the next 60 years?"

"It is not known."

"Shouldn't we do something about it other than wait to be saved? End violence, poverty, greed and war..."

"We have been ruled by the devil for 6000 years. He is very powerful. He was put in charge of this world."

Hmmh. "If the devil is in charge then that would mean that this is actually HELL. How the frack did I end up here???!?"

I left while she deeply contemplated this novel concept. They do make great coffee in hell though.

In Case Of Emergency: Find Your Blanket

An unexpected gift arrived. Someone out there had sent me a random act of kindness. I looked at the unassuming cardboard box, but did not recognize the sender. A company that was likely used to package and ship exotic chocolates, coffee or biscuits. Perhaps a technological gadget?

With childlike abandon and exuberance, I unboxed the contents. I dug through environmentally (un)friendly Styrofoam peanuts to discover....

A BLANKET! A blanket?!!?

Not just any blanket. A gender-neutral plaid fleece blanket, rolled up in its very own space-saving bag. Who would send me such a thoughtful gift of warmth?

There was a generic card extending its gratitude for my patronage sent by my insurance company, The Profiteers.

The subliminal message was clear:

Dear customer,
in appreciation for your loyalty please accept our gift made out of plastic, a byproduct of the oil industry. Speaking of the oil industry, while we no longer cover any acts of Man, we are pleased to inform you that in the event of flooding, loss of electricity or flying debris, you are fully covered. With a blanket.

This multipurpose blanket, when spread out, will likely attract your loved ones and your pets. In case of emergency, simply roll up your cats and sprint for your nearest door or window.

Always thinking of you and your loved ones during these climate challenged times. Please remember that as long as you have your blanket, you are not on your own.

With utmost indifference,
The Profiteers

Reverse Prank Calling

Self-initiated global research has revealed that various providers are selling our information for considerable profit and miniscule fines.

There has been a recent increase in calls from companies that bypass any effort at blocking them. The polite and courteous "No, thank you. We're not interested," stopped working. In an effort to stop repetitive autodialed calls from call centers that are located in time zones other than mine, I was forced to take desperate and very rude measures. It occurred to me that creating barriers to communication might actually result in the desired effect of having a commission based employee give up.  It also proved to be highly entertaining, albeit very juvenile.

Foreign non-existent accent:

Me: Haya?
John: This is John from hotairductcleaning, we would like to...
Me: Noo. No duck.
John: This is hotairductcleaning...
Me: Duck.Duck. Haya?
Rude John: Yeeeah. I know, you have chickens and sheep...
Me: Noo Chickan. Have duck.
John: *click*

Age barrier:

Kevin: Hi, this is Kevin from Wedestroycarpets.
Me: 'kay.
Kevin: We have a special offer to clean your rugs and carpets.
Me: 'kay.
Kevin: Would you like to take advantage of this special offer?
Me: 'kay.
Kevin: We can schedule you on Friday between 2 and 5 in the afternoon.
Me: 'kay.
Kevin: That's great. Thank you for choosing Wedestroycarpets. I can confirm the appointment on...
Me: MooooOOOOM!!!! There's a man who wants to come over when you're not home. He says he wants to touch my...
Kevin: *click*

What?

Mary: This is Mary. You have won a trip to our time-share resort in Puerto Furtivo.
Me: Maaary, love. How are you?
Mary: We would like to congratulate you...
Me: ETHEL!!! Pack your bags. Your sister Mary invited us to Bali for your birthday.
Mary: Uum..No. You won a 3 night stay at the time-share in Puerto Furtivo.
Me: Eeeh? When did you move to Portugal? ETHEEEL! Did you know that Mary moved to Portugal?
Mary: *click*

Several months later: Antares: 3. "John, Kevin and Mary": Silent.
WINNING!

Just When I Thought That Customer Service Could Not Get Any Worse, I Realize That I Was Naive.

We have all dealt with those mind-numbing situations that require the assistance of someone who is very courteous, yet spectacularly obtuse, because the thing [and it is a thing, one can insert anything into this space] we are paying for or have paid for is not in compliance with its purpose, ceased to function, kicked the bucket or simply put is broken.

Not only can it no longer be repaired, but as a valued customer you are expected to repair it yourself or haul the thing into the Distribution Deposit Decomposition Center, conveniently located in a different country. Alternatively, one is expected to pay for the replacement of the thing, because the repair person who has recently attempted aforementioned repair managed to destroy it beyond all recognition.

One is then asked to abandon reason, dignity and hope by contacting "customer service":

"Hello, someone was here to repair the thing and it is not working."

"The report from the tech says that the repair was completed."

"Unfortunately, it was not. The thing is not working. Could you send someone else?"

"The report says that the repair has been completed. Did you turn it on?"

You want me to do what? Turn it on? 
At this point I realize that persistence is futile. Time for escalation.
"Can I speak to your manager?"

"There is no manager here."

"You do not have a manager? Could you transfer me to the office?"

"There is no office."

Uummmm...

While waiting for the disclosure that I am an involuntary participant of a new reality show called "punk your customer" or a test subject, I re-examine the purpose of my existence, the passage of time and my life and ultimately decide that this is not the hill I want to die on.

"Ms. Wasteoftime, this was most enlightening, but I have to go since my cat Spawn is performing his annual poetry recital. He bites those who are late."

For 10 minutes of sheer wish fulfillment, I highly recommend that you watch the most elaborate prank pulled on a call center here 

I Learned To Lie In Kindergarten

Reverting to childhood speech for plausible deniability.

Why?

What cookies?

Did not.

Must have been the cats.

These cats do.

The cookie fairy then.

Yes, there is.  When she fails to pick up teeth, she steals cookies.

Have you interrogated the usual suspects?

The cookie monster, Santa,...Dobby!!!

Crumbs? What crumbs?

But, I'm grounded! That's not fair.

Fiiiiiiiine, I'll pick up some flour...and butter...and what?

Right after I lie down for a bit; my tummy hurts.

That's not funny.