Thursday, February 14, 2013
In Case Of Emergency: Find Your Blanket
With childlike abandon and exuberance, I unboxed the contents. I dug through environmentally (un)friendly Styrofoam peanuts to discover....
A BLANKET! A blanket?!!?
Not just any blanket. A gender-neutral plaid fleece blanket, rolled up in its very own space-saving bag. Who would send me such a thoughtful gift of warmth?
There was a generic card extending its gratitude for my patronage sent by my insurance company, The Profiteers.
The subliminal message was clear:
in appreciation for your loyalty please accept our gift made out of plastic, a byproduct of the oil industry. Speaking of the oil industry, while we no longer cover any acts of Man, we are pleased to inform you that in the event of flooding, loss of electricity or flying debris, you are fully covered. With a blanket.
This multipurpose blanket, when spread out, will likely attract your loved ones and your pets. In case of emergency, simply roll up your cats and sprint for your nearest door or window.
Always thinking of you and your loved ones during these climate challenged times. Please remember that as long as you have your blanket, you are not on your own.
With utmost indifference,