Friday, October 14, 2011

Fun With HQ At Ickyeah.

HQ and I made a decision that we had both been avoiding; a trip to the blue and yellow prison that asks its inmates to give back to society by assembling furniture. Storage items were needed, a list was drafted, maps and layouts were studied and an escape plan was hatched.

Ickyeah is doing well despite the economic situation, probably because it successfully traps customers for hours in its one-directional "you must walk through all sections before you are permitted to exit the premises" policy. Quite brilliant actually, because what they are selling is ugly and cheap.

HQ: Okay. We split up. I look for decorative laminated particleboard, while you look for functional laminated particleboard.

Me: Got it.

30 minutes after HQ's clever plan, I am wandering aimlessly in the children section pondering whether I can fit on the sculptural plastic rocking horse. HQ calls me.

HQ: Where are you?

Me: I am playing with a toy rabbit named Fijorgensnorf and am surrounded by freakishly tiny people. Get me out of here. Pleeeeaase.

HQ: Follow the yellow brick road blue arrows, get to the home organization area. I'll meet you there.

After an Ickyeah associate prevents me from going the "wrong way", [Seriously? I cannot go back the way I just came?], I finally get to where I am supposed to meet HQ, but cannot find her.  I try calling her, but Ickyeah is blocking my signal. Oxygen-deprived, I notice that I am pushing someone else's cart and left mine somewhere in the Ickyeah labyrinth. I am beginning to worry that I may never see HQ again, when I hear the following store-wide announcement:

"Antares, please come to the play area, your mom is looking for you."

Oh. No. She didn't!

"Antares, please come to the play area, your mom is looking for you."

Oh. Yes. She did!

After I trek through kitchens, bathrooms, the "restaurant", the Sahara and Sweden, I show up in the play area where parents get to abandon their children in a pool of colorful balls. I can see HQ cracking up when she sees what I am holding. Clutched tightly to my chest is a stuffed toy that looks like a broccoli mated successfully with an icecream cone.

*Childish grin*: "MOM! This is Smorjebijork, can I have him?"

The associate, who is standing next to her, is looking at me with a mix of confusion and horrified pity, HQ is doing her bathroom dance and I finally get to go home. After we scan our own purchases, we escape with candles (not on the list), pillows (also not on the list!) and crap items with more Umlauts than they produce in Sweden.

To be assembled...


  1. Ve are loving dee Ikeeeya. De Meeetballs are very much good ya.

    Oh come now Ant.. you loved it, admit it.

    p.s... I have one of those rabbits.

    I had a new boss ring me while I was trapped in the bowels of Ikea once.. Dropped out on him twice.. how do you say... awkward?...

  2. I can thoroughly feel your pain, but I'm sorry that I'm laughing whilst doing it. :-)

  3. When you're in the market for cheap pieces of cap which fall apart at the first use, nothing beats laminated particleboard. Ja, vee had IKEA in Iceland. It vas goot for making mit der livink room furniture made of cheap laminated particleboard (NOTE: I have no frikkin' idea how to write with an Icelandic accent).
    Sprite is right, though (yes, I know I rhymed. Aren't I the most talented little dickens you never met in real life?): IKEA'S meatballs rock.

  4. I have never owned anything from IKEA nor have I ever been in an IKEA store.

    Your post has left me torn...shaking in terror over the strange marketing practices that would cause consumers to blindly purchase crappy items AND have to assemble them?...however, I'm also drooling over this unexpected news about the meatballs.

    There must have put something in those meatballs...but even so, now I really want to try them. Who can pass up good balls?

  5. Why is it, that a place with total crap for furniture can suck you in like Ickyeah does? Favorite Ickyeah item? Chip clips. I hoard them. I use them on bags of frozen veggies, bags of cereal, Eggo Waffles...I must have 100 of them and yet I buy another bag each time I go to Ickyeah. It's probably a good thing Guam doesn't have one.

  6. Now that's what I call a fun shopping trip! Great post!

  7. I fear that if I went to such a place I would never emerge.


  9. Sometimes I wonder if IKEA is actually just a front for a terrorist-training organization.

  10. @Sprite, no, I hates it, but de meataballes are not bad.:)
    Noticed the rabbit, looks like one out of the better cartoons.
    Did you ask him for directions out of the store?

    @Jono, no apologies necessary, the prank HQ pulled on me was pretty funny.

    @Al,can't help you with the accent or how to get out of the damn place.Wonder if Icelanders think, hey that's more pronounceable than our language.
    Yeah, they are, see comment below.

    @Nari, you might never get out, but it might be worth the experience of Swedish balls.

    @Meg, strange isn't it? We couldn't find what we needed and ended up there. Haven't been in years, nothing has changed.
    HQ always leaves with candles. Oooolways.

    @Barb, thanks, yeah, when two goofs get to join the public, things are fun.

    @Laoch, it is a definite possibility.

    @dbs, LOL. "Woooooooooo".
    How to get trapped in a maze? The world would be a safer place.

    To All: Interesting or irrelevant trivia:
    Ickyeah makes no profit on their food, but what better way to keep annoyed customers happy than feed them before they hit the impulse buying section? Everyone who had the misfortune to end up there knows the meatballs.
    Nefarious and clever.

  11. He whispered in my ear "gets me out of heres" and showed me the shortcut.

  12. ....Did you mean the rabbit or my boss?

  13. Who whispered in your ear, the rabbit or your boss?


  14. LOL! Oh my gosh--we really do lose the kids in that place. And there is no way in Ickyeah that I'm going to get out of there without the meatballs. No way, ever. My kids would disown me. ;)

  15. LOL! This was a funny, if somewhat bewildering ordeal, I could imagine. I've actually never been to Ikea, and now I'm glad for it. Seems like they have some bizarre rules for being a place where grownups shop for non-assembled furniture.

    Hey, glad you found my blog! Glancing over your brief bio here, I can't believe how much we have in common.

  16. Fortunately, we don't have them here. I think Mrs. C would have them make that same announcement to find me if were ever to get separated in such a place.

  17. You have probably already seen the Ikea Job Interview cartoon. If not, it's worth visiting.

  18. Thanks to Sprites blog post I got to read this. For some reason it didn't show up in my reader. Blogger is messing with me. Anyhoo... I am not an IKEA fan at all, but would really like a Fijorgensnorf Do you have quick and simple directions to get there?

  19. @Jayne, getting lost is the intent. I think they're more famous for their meatballs than their furniture.

    @Sprite, reminded me of the bunnies in Watership Down.

    @David, hello. It's a strange place. Fightclub had a great and very clever segment on it.

    Saw some book titles in yours that I haven't read yet. Will have to add them to my list.

    @Vinny, Mrs. C totally would:)
    It was hilarious, but I had this strange feeling that everyone knew it was me.

    @Robert, yes, it's great. Almost used that one, than thought I miss the Swedish chef.

    @Nubian, maybe blogger has a deal with Ickyeah and is hiding my post?
    I do, but you might not make it out again and your posts are needed.

  20. Well the live ones any way...

    Quack Quack!


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