Friday, February 24, 2012

Unbreaking The News

The Dystopian Times February 2212 Edition
Breaking News:

Another Outbreak of Mass-Panic
"We wanted to keep people in a healthy state of fear, but we are still adjusting doses of the government issued Perplexor TM,"  explained Brian vonNut, PharmCity official.
Read less here.

Escalation of the Bean Wars
The State of New Cucumber has declared war on Mesopotamia in an effort to find the last coffee bean on earth.

Healthy People Under Attack 
Pro-aging groups are demonstrating for their fundamental right to experience illness. 

Other News
Construction of the DeathStar has ceased due to budget cuts.

Owner of Chihuapoodle reunited with her beloved pooch after 80 years. "I have no idea how he got into the cryogenic chamber," stated relieved 182 year old Ethel Bimbrack.

Senator Bombastic still denies climate change as he paddles to work.

LaLa, the world's most successful singer recently released her new album "Humming just one note for 61 months".

Science News
Startled scientists discover that the Andromeda galaxy will collide with the Milky Way much faster than previously calculated. Possibly. In 3 billion years. Or so. Give or take 1 billion years. Maybe.

17 comments:

  1. It's good to know that scientists were watching the Andromeda galaxy so no one will be caught unprepared.

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  2. This is hilarious, Ant! Thanks for that on a Friday night, I needed the laugh. Also, this sort of reminds me of the speculative future news briefs peppered throughout every monthly issue of the Locus trade magazine. Great job!

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  3. Oh shit! Is the Andromeda Galaxy really moving that fast? I need to get things in order.

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  4. Typical - that collision will happen just after I become debt free.

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  5. Great, nothing but death and destruction in the news. Where's the human interest stories... boy finds and eats dog, for example?

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  6. That whole mass panic thing could be a headline in today's paper. Maybe that's the point.

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  7. I don't want to live in a world where there is only one coffee bean left.

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  8. @Brett, very true. Predicting future events helps us prepare.;)

    @David, thanks. Are they still around? I think they have an on-line version now. Thing is the news will be the same 200 years from now.
    The video is called Terminator 2; the opera. It's hilarious.

    @Paul, lol. I know, wait for me. Need to pack my bags. Which one are you moving to?

    @Alistair, *chuckle*. At which point it won't matter.

    @Robert, it doesn't look like investigative and accurate reporting will come back anytime soon.

    @Meg, that's exactly the point. It's either fear-mongering, sensationalism or the banal.

    @Sprite, me neither. Need to start hoarding coffee just in case.

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  9. I knew that Andromeda Galaxy looked suspicious. I'd better head out to Home Depot to buy some emergency supplies: flashlights, batteries, duct tape, beef jerky.

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  10. This is news I can handle as I can deal with the Andromeda galaxy. Wasn't there cause for alarm in 2200?

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  11. Bean wars - the water wars before that will remove the water to make coffee. My right to experience illness - I need to add that to my list. thanks for stopping by A Few Clowns.

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  12. Love it.
    Google "husky chihuahua." Seriously.

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  13. When the world coffee supply is down to one bean you will find it clutched in my blood filled hand, locked into place by the fingernails that have grown imbedded in the heel of my hand.

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  14. LOL!! That's what I call my little town, "Cucumberland."

    Isn't "dystopic news" an oxymoron?

    Things really will never change, will they? This is why my kids don't like the news. "It's all bad!" they say. And how can reporters say it without any emotion!"

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  15. Hello Ant., I love the ways in which you encourage laughter; thank you for this!

    Have you read this article? (La la. . . la la la)
    http://www.theonion.com/articles/intelligent-condescending-life-discovered-in-dista,27276/

    Warm wishes
    Errant Claire (EC)

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  16. @Al, does not sound like a feasible spaceship.

    @Nubian, to the embarrassment of the scientific community it was not an asteroid, but a bug on the telescope lens. Ahem.

    @Bill Lisleman, the beans might go first. Thank you for stopping by as well.

    @Tatty, not if I get to the last bean first.

    @Jayne, no I do not think the sensationalist "news" will change. I saw some old black and white footage on news reporting, where they were moved by what they were reporting. Not anymore.

    @Claire, welcome back. Good to see you. Laughter is a good coping mechanism. ;)

    I have now, *grins* it is likely that they will think of us as somewhat childlike. Thank you for sharing.

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