The Dystopian Times February 2212 Edition
Another Outbreak of Mass-Panic
"We wanted to keep people in a healthy state of fear, but we are still adjusting doses of the government issued Perplexor TM," explained Brian vonNut, PharmCity official.
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Escalation of the Bean Wars
The State of New Cucumber has declared war on Mesopotamia in an effort to find the last coffee bean on earth.
Healthy People Under Attack
Pro-aging groups are demonstrating for their fundamental right to experience illness.
Construction of the DeathStar has ceased due to budget cuts.
Owner of Chihuapoodle reunited with her beloved pooch after 80 years. "I have no idea how he got into the cryogenic chamber," stated relieved 182 year old Ethel Bimbrack.
Senator Bombastic still denies climate change as he paddles to work.
LaLa, the world's most successful singer recently released her new album "Humming just one note for 61 months".
Startled scientists discover that the Andromeda galaxy will collide with the Milky Way much faster than previously calculated. Possibly. In 3 billion years. Or so. Give or take 1 billion years. Maybe.