Tuesday, May 24, 2011

Not Under My Umbrella

Umbrellas and I have a shared history of mutual disdain. I prefer not to carry one and umbrellas prefer that I leave them in their store and refrain from donating them to the public.

On one particularly windy evening, I was walking with a friend who carried one of those (piece of) cheap retractable models, that spends the majority of its existence turning itself inside out, spines hailing toward the sky.  We stopped at a pedestrian crosswalk, waited for the signal to tell us that it was highly probable that we would survive crossing the road, when aforementioned umbrella decided to make its dream come true and become an untethered kite.

With a sigh of relief it tore its way free from cheap thread, taking a few spines with it and flew into the open sky at last. We watched wistfully as it fluttered away, carried by wind and weather on its erratic maiden flightpath.  After an exceptionally short run at flight and freedom it landed in a spread out heap of black nylon wings on the windshield of a car.

Not just any car.

A police car. A police car with two startled officers of the law, whose visibility was now reduced to zero thanks to us.

Time stops during these magical moments and my mind began its visual story:

Officer Bellefleur: HQ, we're under attack.
HQ: Are you hurt?
Officer Bellefleur: Unable to assess the situation, complete blackout. We are blind.
HQ: What is the nature of the attack?
Officer Bellefleur: At 19:25 hours a UFO landed on our vehicle. I repeat, we are blind, please send backup.

By this point my law abiding friend had turned a lighter shade of pale, deciding how fast he could run in leather soled shoes. In support, I had already started producing the strange sounds of suppressed laughter until I became incapacitated.

"Stop laughing," he hissed, frightened at the prospect that these particular victims might not appreciate being laughed at.  Sobered by the fact that the cruiser was holding up traffic and no one dared to honk, I composed myself. Briefly. Until I made eye-contact with officer Bellefleur's partner and noticed that he was definitely not getting out to remove what was left of the wayward umbrella since it was quite apparent that this was the best thing that had happened to him all day.

A strong gust of wind lifted the umbrella back into the air. "Sorry," I mouthed insincerely, while trying to breathe.

Lost: One joyful, liberated umbrella. If found, please keep.

25 comments:

  1. Ha! Ha! Ha! I am laughing hysterically OUT LOUD!!! ^_^ And I'm wondering what that noise is coming from my closet!....Oh! Just a retractable umbrella, with one spine broken in half, and a lucille Ball type belly laugh! LOL

    ReplyDelete
  2. HEHEHEE! I can just hear it now..
    "FREEEDOOOMM!!!"

    It has inspired me to write about my "Plastic bag incident".

    ReplyDelete
  3. Poetess Wug, I think we all have a collection of them.Lol. Since that incident, rather than swearing at them, they make me laugh.

    ReplyDelete
  4. Sprite, lol, yes, pretty much. Couldn't make it fit in, but he was so surprised that he kept holding it up. Looked like a lightning rod.

    I must hear about the plastic bag incident. We should start a prompt: RL funniest moments.

    ReplyDelete
  5. Oh god! I would have ran to the nearest shelter.. I'm paranoid about getting struck by lightning.

    Will write about it today.

    ReplyDelete
  6. Oh.no.
    It was really, really funny. Like something out of a kids cartoon.

    Can't wait to read it.:) I can't even imagine what might have happened.

    ReplyDelete
  7. Another case of the "Bumbling Bumbershoot."

    ReplyDelete
  8. You had me from the first word, Antares C. Umbrellas and I have a relationship similarly tinged with laughter and disdain. Loved this, thanks.

    And you are going to looove this . . . Geiger and Sporran . . . Two black cats' blog. It's brilliant!

    http://geigerandsporran.wordpress.com/

    ReplyDelete
  9. Tried to comment yesterday. Blogger issues.

    Love your umbrella story.

    ReplyDelete
  10. Absolutely loved this.

    I'm having huge Blogger issues, too, so if this doesn't post, let me know and I'll come back.

    :-)

    Pearl

    ReplyDelete
  11. When it rains half the year, umbrellas are a sad necessity. Got myself one of those windbreaker umbrellas and it did the job...

    Until I lent it to Evie (Mrs. C's grandma) just the one time and she left it on the bus.

    Now I'm using a cheap one & two spokes broke the other day.

    Awesome.

    ReplyDelete
  12. If you have ever had occasion to read a police report, "Police Speak" is fairly distinctive and sometimes pretty funny.

    My wife (a child protective services worker at the time) had occasion to read a police report of a vandalism incident. One of the statements by the cop read: "The suspect was about two feet tall and wearing a diaper".

    ReplyDelete
  13. @Al, what did you call me? *googles* Ah. The Umbrella. :)

    @Laoch, circumstantial.

    @Nubian and Pearl, yes, I've heard. Apparently bugger (dbs quote) is gifting us with new gadgets and widgets just to drive everyone insane.
    @Nubian, it was a hilarious moment.
    @Pearl, how would I let you know if it didn't post? ;)

    ReplyDelete
  14. @Claire, thank you. Simple delights of struggling with them.:) They are comical, aren't they?

    I had a look, thank you for sharing. Clever and funny. I like Esteban: "OK? OK." Familiar with those voice overs, we do them too in this household. =O.O=. LOL.

    ReplyDelete
  15. Robert, yes they are. I "hear" about them;)It helps when they have a sense of humor.

    There was actually a really funny report that made it online, doubt I can find it. "The suspect", hilarious.

    ReplyDelete
  16. @Vinny, Bugger is giving me dreaded bx messages, everything is out of order.

    At least you were allowed to carry "the good one", someone hides mine so they don't get "left behind". (sorry, couldn't help myself).

    You would think that someone could design one, that doesn't make you look like something out of a slapstick comedy.

    ReplyDelete
  17. Hullo Antares,

    I see from one of your recent posts we share a similar world view when suffering from what our women scathingly dismiss as 'man-flu'

    http://crivensjingsandhelpmaboab.blogspot.com/2010/04/i-hate-flu.html

    ReplyDelete
  18. Hello, Alistair,

    I'll be by to share the commiseration of being misunderstood;)

    ReplyDelete
  19. I love that strange sound of suppressed laughter! I didn't suppress it here! So funny, Antares! I've lost a few umbrellas myself, under similar scenarios. Oh, the bane of weepy days. ;)

    ReplyDelete
  20. i had to struggle with a renegade umbrella on my walk home today. i was white knuckled trying to hang on it in the wind, certain that any minute it would either flip inside and act as a bucket to catch the rain, or fling me into the air like some feral mary poppins.

    next time i'll just get wet.

    ReplyDelete
  21. @Sprite, *mooh* ;)

    @Jayne, it is not a very attractive sound, is it?:) As much as I like the rain, I'm declaring war on cheap umbrellas.

    @Manders. LOL. "White knuckled"...I don't know whether I'm struggling with a parachute or a lightning rod. Either way, you end up wet anyway.:)

    ReplyDelete
  22. living in this usually grey and rainy country (except for the unusual year 2011) I have never learned how to treat umbrellas myself and even less how to be treated by them

    ReplyDelete
  23. This is belgium, well put:) Although one would think that they would make drizzle proof umbrellas in Belgium.

    ReplyDelete

I get paid in com(pli)ments.
Comment, Discuss or Foruminate.
Feel free to talk amongst yourselves.