Wednesday, May 18, 2011

*Sneeze*

GiantMicrobes.com

5:00 I'm still dying.

10:00 I'm bored. And dying. Who knew dying could be so boring?
10:15 I better say goodbye to my best friends.

BFF: Hello?
Me: I'm dying.
BFF: Who is this?
Me: Me.
BFF: You sound awful. What's wrong?
Me: I know, right? *Sneeze* I've got D1P1.
BFF: You've got what?
Me: Draconus Pterodactylus, I've got the Dragon Flu. I'm patient zero. There is no cure, death is imminent.
BFF: That's a little dramatic, you sound feverish.
Me: I habe nob been outshide shinsh the day bebob yeshterday.
BFF: What?
Me: Hold on. *Blows nose* "Aaaaooouuu! [Bleep! That hurt!]"
BFF: Are you alright?
Me: No. I just blew out an eardrum. I'm deaf and dying.
Former BFF: Uuuuumm...okay. I gotta go. I'll call you later. Get some rest and feel better soon. Bye.

***

2:00 Call from HQ

HQ: Hi hon, how are you feeling?
Me: Gagh. I'm languishing with my catarrh. *Sneeze* The sneezing is interrupting my deep contemplation of the space.
HQ: You poor thing.
Me: *Hurmphf*. I had a great idea for a video game. Instead of formulaic Super-soldiers fighting silly mutant zombified aliens, it's about the immune system taking on pathogens. They start with...[incoherent rambling].
HQ: You still have a fever?
Me: I do not have a "fever". I am destroying billions of non-living viral invaders with extreme heat. HA! They did not see that coming! Heat forged in the abyss of...the...uumm...Forge...thing? Great. I'm denaturing my own brain cells, I'm going to be a deaf, dying moron. I spent all day reading the same page and I still can't remember what it was about.
HQ: Hon, I made you some soup, did you have any?
Me: I don't want soup. What kind of a last meal is soup?! I want wood-oven burned fired pizza or pasta con something. No, wait...I want...
HQ: I'll pick up candy and a teddy bear for you on my way home.
Me: Fine! I'll have soup. Ma'am.
HQ: I'll be home soon.
Me: I don't think I'll make it that long. *Sneeze. SNEEZE. Sneeze* I lub you.

***
I'm dying. Alone. *Purring*. With cats. Farewell, my friends.

27 comments:

  1. Fever dreams and/or fever hallucinations are awesome! Well, except for the diarrhea and stuff.
    I think you are on to something here...hopefully "Tylenol Cold & Flu."
    P.S. "What kind of last meal is soup?" = hilarious!

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  2. Brandy, honey, tea, ginger... great last drink before the germs eat you up.

    (I will be writing the Pope this evening to start the Saint process for your better half.)

    DEFIB was the word verification... what are the odds eh?

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  3. @dbs, exactly! They're also very entertaining. I'm hoping this post and recent comments won't make me cringe in a few days. Just a bad cold, I was spared the less dignified stuff.

    Thanks dude, She does not think it's amusing and refuses to bring me any junk. :(
    Note: Business idea: Delivery of junk food for the contagious.


    @Nubian, yes it is. Going all natural (no double entendre), because it seems to work, or I have masochistic tendencies.

    Please don't give her any ideas, I beg of you. WV is talking to us again, or it's the fever.

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  4. Farewell! Farewell, Mr. Cryptos!

    We hardly knew ye.

    Pearl

    p.s. You're funny, aren't you? I've added you to my blogroll -- I need to be here more often.

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  5. Hahah, freakin' hilarious. Hope you start feeling better, being sick sucks.

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  6. Alas, dear Pearl, I wish I could have gotten to know you better too.

    Send my regards to Miss Bitey.
    Most humbled by...Oh. Look. A spaceship...

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  7. Paul, thank you twice.
    Yes, it does. Turns me into a whiny 5 year old. *Sneeze*. I'm leaking.

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  8. At least you are surrounded by sympathetic creatures as you face your demise.

    Oh, wait. Nevermind.

    They're *cats*.

    I hope you feel better soon, my dramatic friend. ;-)

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  9. aww, you poor bugger. Sounds like you've got the same thing my husband gets. I think you should sign up for twitter and then you'll have more people to tell about your disintegrating body. More often.

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  10. I have no wisdom to share. I hope you feel better.

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  11. @Katsidhe, thank you, cat, kitten, Alice?;)
    I'm being purred and kneaded to death, things are looking up.

    @Sarah, hahaha.
    Uummm...wait, are you mocking my ailment? I have a sudden craving for french pastry and all I'm being fed is soup. I feel older than I am.

    @Laoch, thank you. This is Karma for pointing out that it has been an unusually active cold and flu season. A bad cold, in May?

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  12. OMG! MEN! I have been feeling like death since I can't remember when.
    Olive leaf.
    Oh and lots of steam inhalations.

    Poor Ant.

    Your kitties love you. Let them take care of you. They may even purr you to sleep..lol.

    WV: overdrest.
    Seriously.. lol!

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  13. dont die, drink more water! it's not that easy to die u know ;p

    I have followed your blog..Could you follow mine too please? Also check out my guest blogging contest to see if you are interested!

    Sky Stock Analysis

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  14. I'm here at work but I'm laughing because of this post. Your death is therefore not in vain.

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  15. Et tu, Sprite?
    In an equal society everyone has the right to complain and whine.
    Yes, ma'am. Note to self: olive inhalations and steam leafs.

    *grabs blankee, closest kitteh and goes sleepy*

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  16. @Vinny, thanks? Made you laugh at the place of despair? Mission accomplished.:)
    P.S. I'm bequeathing the sparkly purse you wanted to you.

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  17. Umm... thank? I guess...

    Get well soon.

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  18. @Vinny, you're welcome and thanks dude.
    I think the invaders have bodysnatched me. Got an extra lampshade?

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  19. You do sound like you're dying, and your dialog is perfectly written. Did you sound it out loud while writing? I would have to. See you better soon.

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  20. Yes me! (Glad you didn't call me Brute or Brutus)
    But seriously, hope you are getting some rest, and go to the doc if your not getting better.

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  21. @GutsyWriter, thank you, I appreciate it. I probably do talk to myself, so it is possible that I did ;) Thank you again, it looks like it was a false alarm.

    @Sprite,lol. Anti-Brute?
    Yes, yes,yes. Sigh. Resting is boooooring, but necessary.
    Ahem, yeah about that, have YOU gone yet????

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  22. LOL! "...denaturing my own brain cells..." You do dialogue very well, Antares! I snorted through this whole piece. Soup as a last meal?!
    That fever was most inspiring, eh? Hope your feeling much better, though. :)

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  23. ehem.... well no.. But we're not talking about me here.. LOL!

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  24. @Jayne, thank you. It would appear so, I never would have posted it without the fever. Thanks, things are starting to improve.

    @Sprite, lol. Good point, my friend.

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  25. Sorry Ant, late as usual, but my goodness you made me laugh. I'm sorry, not that you dying is a laughing matter you understand. If it helps, it was a sympathetic laugh.

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  26. Right now, with my chest recently wired closed to heal, I wince when I feel a sneeze coming on... pretty damn uncomfortable, but getting better.

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  27. Jono, no apologies necessary for laughing with me;). Hope you're having a great time on your trip.

    Robert, I can't imagine. Glad to hear you continue to get better. Even a cold makes me grateful for our ability to heal and breathe.

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